I’ve been trying to “be” these days. And honestly - failing somewhat miserably.
Which is a bit shameful to admit, as I’m supposed to be good at these abstract self-development and “woo woo” things … aren’t I? Thankfully, being real & relatable is more important to me than looking perfect. So here I am, sharing the messy middle with you.
“Being” so far has looked like exploring new cities, doing a fair amount of admin, thinking through how I’m going to start my childcare business, playing with my baby girl and doggo, thinking really hard about what keynote speeches I want to offer the world (and how to go about selling them), watching some Netflix and listening to the occasional podcast. Sure as hell looks like a lot of doing to me!!
And yet in conversation with a friend sharing how chaotic and action oriented I have been feeling… I found myself articulating something interesting. All of these activities I mention have been body led. As in, yes, I’m finding myself doing a lot of doing… but not because I feel I have to. Instead, because I must do. Like an itch you must scratch, these activities are being initiated from my core - not my mind. They are reflexes, rather than strategies.
And so I wonder… am I being? By following the whims of my inner knowing, is that correct?
In short, I believe the answer is “kind of”. Following my energy is - to me - the definition of presence. But there’s a catch. And the one I keep missing. The one that makes me feel like I’m failing. The one that has led me to attempt to try and “be” for at least a full month.
Our bodies oscillate. They tell us “go” and then they tell us “stop”. Our bodies do not care to run marathons day in and day out. They enjoy going for a meandering walk or a light jog followed by rest. Or ok, maybe doing a few sprints and then really lounging afterwards.
My doing has felt like being in terms of where my doing originates … but then I (unconsciously) say to myself - “because you’ve started something, you must now accomplish something too”.
Woof.
As I write this, I exhale. I know I’ve articulated the truth. And I knew the truth was somewhere in this realm because during that same conversation to my friend, I read her Jupiter in Taurus horoscope. First, for her sun sign. And in short it said - “don’t rush”. The most annoying thing a horoscope can say… hey!
But then, she asked me to look at her rising sign. And again in short, it said - “there’s no rush”. As I saw the striking similarity yet vast contrast between the two, I realized this was the message I needed just as much as she did.
There is no rush.
No shit, Kelly! You know this. You have a LIFETIME to create a new way of raising our children. And yes, also a lifetime to teach the next generation that they can innovate their own way of living.
But because you are you — you want to do this yesterday. And telling myself to “not rush” is only making me want to rush more.
But when I say to myself… “there is no rush”, everything changes. It means the future I desperately desire is already mine. I don’t need to hurry on up, because it’s already here.
I will continue to follow my body’s energy, but what I’ve realized … is that I need to release my need to *accomplish*.
Which means all that I need to do, is cultivate my ability to leave stones unturned. To begin to trust that my head will not explode with the constant flow of ideas and desires moving around inside of it. To slowly see that if I don’t write something down, I will in fact remember it in the moment I need to. To do things at the last minute and see that they still turn out pretty damn good.
It always comes back to control for me. I wish to control the outcome. Don’t we all. And yet — we cannot. You & I simply cannot still the ocean. Instead, we must learn to surrender to its motion.