A strategy to (finally) untangle your self-worth from your productivity
How to re-define success using EMDR therapy
Hi friends —
We’re back from a month long trip to New Zealand… and while it delivered some amazing sunshine at the beach, it also delivered some serious knowledge bombs. Here at Womanhood, we love a healthy dose of self-awareness and equally understand that self-awareness can feel overwhelming at times.
So today, Kelly is sharing how after one year of attempting to improve her self-awareness through EMDR therapy, she finally hit the nail on the head. Specifically, she figured out that the thing she blamed for all of her struggles (her autism) actually wasn’t the root of it. Her high IQ was.
This newsletter is for those of you who find yourself feeling stuck, and know you’re likely blaming that on the (wrong) thing / person / job / environment. Read on, because by learning how Kelly discovered the true thorn in her side… you might have the courage to discover yours too.
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PS: for those of you who have been reading this newsletter off of Substack, we’ve decided to move Womanhood here as the cost of sending via a different provider went up (and we love being a frugal girlie) plus… it was time to get a little more visible.
The gift that keeps on giving
OK ladies… this is a big one. And I’m gonna start with the punch line so you know where we’re heading (and then we’ll get there).
For the last year, I thought my diagnosed disability – autism – is what has plagued me most in this season of life.
Turns out I was wrong 😑
The thing that’s plagued to me is a very different label. A label I was given at the ripe age of 3.
Being gifted. Having a high IQ. Operating intellectually above my peers.
The irony, is that I was also gifted (get it 😛) a plethora of expectations that comes such a fancy label.
To utilize my fullest potential.
To achieve great things.
To always perform above the rest.
At the age of 3, I was (sadly) gifted a complex about self-worth and productivity that even I — an aspiring master of psychology — have not been able to overcome.
Until now.
So, let’s take a step back, and I’ll explain how I am able to say I’ve overcome the self-worth x productivity entanglement so many of us are plagued with with such confidence and in such simple terms.
Put my name down flip it and reverse it
For years I’ve had an internal dialogue around trying to figure out if something was worth it.
And I don’t mean this in an existential, career driven sense. Simple things like…is it worth it to travel 45 minutes to an amazing yoga studio, or should I just go to the average one down the road? I would obsess over which of these was a better choice, when objectively it didn’t matter (and this was in the days where I didn’t have kids aka had infinite time!).
This complex has been a strength in some ways — I’m hyper efficient and I’ve been praised for this extensively in a professional setting.
However, from a personal perspective it’s a massive thorn in my side most days. I waste an incredibly amount of energy doing mental math that has no real value, and is simply impossible to compute!
So back in 2020 (when I started working with my first therapist) I set off on a journey to try to overcome this in a conscious way.
I forced myself to waste time.
I forced myself to work at 80% capacity.
I forced myself to do less than the rest.
If I’m being completely honest, ever with a hyper focus on trying to overcome this “is worth it” complex … I made hardly any progress on this invisible tendency of mine.
Finally, in 2025 I found the answer in the most unlikely of places: my subconscious.
EMDR strikes back
I started EMDR therapy almost a full year ago now (soon after I realized I was likely autistic), as it’s known to be a much more supportive therapy for those who are neurodivergent than traditional CBT “talk therapy”.
In my earliest EMDR therapy sessions, given I was attending because I was struggling as a neurodivergent woman I tried to address how autistic I felt.
How my sensory world is hyperactive.
How the need to control things is overwhelming.
How my aversion to being told what to do requires mind hack upon mind hack to overcome.
And then one day instead of talking to my therapist about my autism, I also talked to her about my giftedness.
Specifically, I shared a story with her about how in 2nd grade I loved being taken out of class with the rest of the high IQ kids for 1 hour to solve puzzles (yes, my school really did this).
These hours were probably the purest form of joy I ever experienced, and reflecting on them still gives me a full body buzz. Being given that gifted label allowed me to get out of the boring classroom and stimulate my insatiable brain. It served me well as a child.
As you might guess, this gifted label didn’t continue to serve me as I grew older. Instead of giving me permission to stimulate my brain, it required me to pursue “success” as others defined it (for a gifted person).
To excel in school, to get a great job and worst of all… to make doing these things look easy.
So when we used EMDR therapy to tap back into that memory of doing logic puzzles as a 7 year old, I realized where the metaphorical fork in the road lay.
Because what true success felt like to that 7 year old me was losing track of time.
It was having a load of ideas, but not necessarily acting on them.
It was the feeling of having these ideas that made me so beautifully content.
The minute I articulated this definition of success … I was free.
For years I had grappled, struggled & wrestled with my “is it worth it” complex.
And seemingly overnight, I was able to easily say yes or no to every decision that came my way without having to do mental math anymore.
It was simple: if saying yes to a question that lay in front of me would allow me to lose track of time… if I felt I would feel like I was spinning round and round in a garden simply because I enjoyed the feeling of spinning… then the answer was yes.
Otherwise, it was a no.
The missing piece
Ironically, as I am writing this newsletter (ok, I actually voice record them on walks and then edit the terrible voice-to-text transcription after ☺️) I have stumbled on to the one missing piece of this equation.
In my EMDR therapy session, I wasn’t able to sense that that 7 year old version of me was expected to operate on her own. The rhetoric I had already internalized was “Kelly is so smart that she shouldn’t need anybody else” 🫠
And as I’m walking I’m now getting a visual of myself even younger (this is how EMDR therapy works) — an image of me being carried around as an almost 2 year old toddler.
Which brings me to a funny story: I didn’t crawl nor walk like a normal toddler… I log rolled my way from point A to point B until I was 2 years old 🤣
But mostly, I let people carry me.
I allowed myself to be physically supported.
And as I dance around this memory right now… I realize that I have not allowed anyone to support me in that way since then.
The feeling of allowing others to carry me around as an almost 2 year old is pretty profound as such. It’s a visceral feeling that is incredibly foreign… but deep down I know is the exact feeling that will allow me to access a feeling of self-worth that is not tied to my productivity.
Ok, but what about reality?
Now, I’m not saying it’s easy to have the self-awareness that comes with EMDR therapy.
Because almost immediately my brain has taken me out of the beauty that is this feeling of letting myself feel supported… and realizing that my life requires me to operate in conflict with it.
I’ve got a 2 year old daughter, and I’m pregnant with baby number 2.
This means I’m rarely going to have an environment that makes me feel supported. Instead I will have to be supporting two tiny humans!
… or will I?
This is one of the many conflicting truths I attempt to hold, explore & innovate around. One of the cornerstones of my life is that I question everything. From societal norms to my own subconscious assumptions.
This is what allows me to live that authentic, energized & successful life that so many of us dream of… and yet so few achieve (because it’s damn hard work to get there!).
This is life I hope for you all as well, and the reason I share quite private explorations without a second thought.
I’ve been on this path for the last decade or so. The path of discovery, alignment, freedom & truth. It’s the path less traveled because it’s scary. It requires real courage to stay on for the long haul. And I can tell you it’s a hell of a lot more difficult than keeping the proverbial veil on.
But it’s also the path worth fighting for.
This is a post to remind you to muster up the courage to do the work. But also, the muster up the courage to challenge yourself.
Because the thing you’ve been blaming for the last however many years for your struggles is probably not the real reason you’re struggling (or you would have stopped struggling by now!).
So my question to you is: is it the thing that you possess that you think is a gift… actually the thorn in your side?
Only time will tell. And I wholeheartedly encourage you to explore EMDR therapy as a tool in your discovery.