Okay, I’m going to be real with you here. No filter, no fluff. We’ve all been in this “my life is objectively amazing yet I refuse to be grateful for it” place …and too few are willing to articulate (ahem, normalize) it.
Today, I’m going to try.
Objectively, I am feeling ungrateful. Not that I would choose that word to describe myself (who would?!), but such is the state of my inner world.
In tangible terms, this means I want what I don’t have. I lack clarity on what next step to take in life. I know what I want is something that I don’t quite have, but I don’t know how to go about getting it.
Most days, for a least a few moments I have an overwhelming urge to just be normal. To have the same struggles as my peers. To have the same rhythms as my neighbors. To have the same exhaustion as my fellow mothers.
But I don’t. I have privilege instead. (Again, I know how ungrateful this sounds - go easy on me). I have an abundance of time and I don’t know what is worthy enough to spend it on (career wise, mostly).
So let’s add fuel to the privilege fire, why don’t we! I recently spent 6 months traveling with my partner, baby & dog (overwhelming privilege 🙈) and my biggest takeaway was: the grass isn’t always greener.
Before leaving for this trip, I had had an itch to move for the best part of 2 years.
It took 6 months, 8 long haul flights, 15 Airbnbs & 20 odd cities to make me realize I have everything I wanted in Southwest London.
I realize I’m at a similar moment of having a perpetual itch, but in a different area of life. And area I still lack such wise perspective — and sadly you generally speaking can’t wish perspective on yourself. Perspective is gained through lived experience, not through thinking.
What I need is a life experience where I all of a sudden am able to truly see that my life is abundantly successful without that shiny, glamorous career. Without a chock fully calendar of socializing. Without constant newness & excitement.
I want to be able to see that success is lighthearted play. That success is open & free expression. That success is serendipitous neighborhood encounters.
Where does one find this? Does a society like this exist?
The internet is constantly telling us this is not the goal. The mundane moments that do not capture or story well. It tells us we need more highlight-able moments to be complete. We need to purchase something, meet someone or learn something.
I don’t need any more physical stuff. I know this.
I don’t need any more people in my life. I know this.
I don’t need to learn any more schools of thought. I know this.
But how does one quiet this noise? How does one exist in this way smack dab in the center of a city where everyone is busy buying stuff, meeting people & learning things?
This was a challenge my coach posed to me many years ago. Could I become wise — and not succumb to the urge to escape to the mountains of Switzerland or the forests of California.
The short answer is, I haven’t cracked the code yet. I’ve been trying for 3 years now, and I’m well, pretty exhausted of trying.
That was actually one aspect of traveling with my small family unit that I really enjoyed. I got a respite from needing to try to figure out how to be free of societal pressures. There were no opportunities to socialize, have new or interesting things to bring up in conversation nor physical things to be accumulating.
My partner and I simply had each other to socialize with, we did the same-ish thing every day given we had a 6 month old, and we couldn’t buy anything new because our car was already very full of the basics we actually needed.
Which brings me back to privilege. Privilege enables success, 100%.
But does privilege enable fulfillment? If we take it one step further… does it actually *get in the way* of fulfillment? Because as we know, the view from the top is always the most sweet after a tough climb. And if you don’t have any mountains to climb… well … are there any sweet views for you to have?
The paradox of the last few years for me, indeed. Which is not to say I do not have any mountains to climb - but right now… none seem worth the effort.
I am being forced to sit and wait. To traverse the dark waters of the unknown without any light to illuminate my compass. I trust the general direction I’m traveling will take me somewhere I want to land my ship - but I have no idea if it will take me 1 year … or 10 years.
I am having to get very comfortable with the inside of my mind, as that is my only companion on this boat journey. There are no stars guiding the way, just inherent belief that the universe has my back.
It means that cultivating a mindset that sees this obscured boat journey as a gift is my main task at the moment. No small feat, I know.
So, I am working on a vision for my family life. One that will keep me motivated even on the longest of days on my ship.
More than anything, I know I am not alone in this existential musing. In fact, I’d love to support other fellow wanderers. We can ride our boats together, and chat when we find we are crossing paths. We can make this crazy journey that is life feel grounded, even when lost at sea.
I’m going to be creating a community as a part of this vision. One for multi-dimensional mothers who are keen to create deep & profound impact on their children, their circles & the world. But must importantly, they want to thrive as their own authentic & innovative self.
It’s what WOMANhood stands for
—
Wild
Open
Multidimensional
Authentic
iNnovative
—
I am creating this community because there are so few role models I have of mothers getting this delicate balance right. It’s not an impossible game, but it is one that requires doing things differently than the world around you. It requires you to be fiercely strategic, and yet fiercely feminine.
So if this is you, I invite you to apply to join 💫
Why just moms?