Four nervous system triggers (& fixes) for the modern woman 🧘🏽♀️
[Written August 20, 2024]
Hi friends —
In this Energy Recipe, Kelly shares that she has spent over 100,000 hours figuring out how to relax 🤯 Through this, she's identified 4 common nervous system triggers – and 3 shares foundational strategies for overcoming each of them.
Because here at Womanhood, we hate a “band-aid” solution. Living a life with energetic hacks (rather than energizing foundations) means you'll be constantly chasing your tail. You're stuck on the proverbial hamster wheel … unable to feel like you can ever truly stop.
Whatever flavor of woman you are – mother, business owner, neurodivergent or otherwise – read on, because Kelly's approach to the business that is womanhood will support you in your energetic voyage.
the business that is womanhood
It's one of those weeks again. One where I am (extra) aware that being a modern woman can feel like performing an elaborate tap dance. A dance full of so many things to remember to be, do & say.
In my particular case (and many of yours) – being a balanced career woman adds another layer of expectations. A relaxed mother yet another. A successful neurodivergent person … well, that's my personal icing on the cake.
And yet my friends always tell me I make it look easy.
They tell me that I'm the most relaxed woman they know.
And while it's not my natural state (no autistic person is "relaxed" by default 🤣) ... they are right. I am the most relaxed person they know. Because I'm actually the person who naturally is the worst at it.
For my entire life, I have practiced being relaxed every single day. I have tried way harder than you to figure out how to be & feel stress free. I have put (what I believe to be) over 100,000 hours of trying into being & feeling relaxed. I had to, as a highly masked autistic woman.
And then, about a year ago… I got tired of trying. Well, actually, I became incapable of trying. Autistic burnout came knocking on my door.
But if you know me, I'm not a quitter. When faced with a challenge (again, thank you autism!) I dig my heels in and make sure I come out on top.
In this situation, that meant that I designed a life that meant I didn't have to try to be relaxed anymore. Instead, I could actually… just be relaxed.
As I went through this journey I felt quite alone. I don't know very many gifted, autistic mothers who are successful professionally and ambitious personally. I felt like my needs were unique.
But at the end of the day (and at the end of my sprint to re-design my life) I realized while yes, I am unique… my needs are the same as yours. They are womanly needs.
Because for all of us, relaxing into our womanhood (especially with children) is an overwhelming task. We all have our traumas. Our secrets. Our struggles. Much of them are rooted in the subconscious conditioning that we've been programmed to believe from birth.
What's my secret? The universal answer to feminine relaxation?
I began to approach my womanhood like a business. As we know, any good business has its mission, strategy & operations. But because that patriarchal language wasn't quite cutting it for me… I organized my womanhood around values, intentions and foundations.
With these 3 things… I have been able to truly relax. My energy is consistent. And while it's not limitless, it is easily replenished.
So, I'm going to give you a peek inside my personal, womanly business (which will require a healthy dose of oversharing, FYI). All of this in the hopes that you can jump start the business that is your womanhood, too.
values & intentions
Let's get straight into it. I have 4 key values, and a few associated intentions (my version of goals crossed with manifestation) for each of them. My values shift over time, and I add intentions as my life feels energetically draining. Each intention is meant to honor my energy.
Value 1: Quiet
What this means to me… “If you're brave enough to wait, your truth will present itself. Sit with stillness - & you'll see the world turn towards you. This is how you maintain presence. Your bubble. Quiet.”
My associated intentions are:
I feel financially abundant working part-time as a strategist alongside / for female leaders I respect & admire.
I finally stop feeling I need to keep saving / earning so much money. I feel in my body I have more than enough. I can relax.
I work off intentions, nudges & feelings… rather than plans. And the universe brings them to fruition in perfect timing. I do not experience anxiety or waste time wondering. I am present. I am content.
Value 2: Grounded
What this means to me… “I know & am myself. And by being her, I find I always belong. This keeps me rooted. Grounded.”
My associated intentions are:
We buy a home that provides each of us the space we need, feels homey inside and out & does not overburden us financially.
I place down roots – in home, career, fun & friends.
I have a local bestie — Someone to dance in the land of possibility with. Because it’s about sharing the journey of creating art / our future, not about arriving.
Value 3: Harmony
What this means to me… "I'm not sure where I'm headed, but I know that the only way to get there is to get started. And to do it because of that, and that alone. But never choosing to do it alone, when it instead can be done in harmony with others."
My associated intentions are:
I become more grounded in who I really am, and feel it’s safe to be my full authentic self – the philosopher who has no idea what she’s doing with her life but loses track of time living it.
My body, mind & spirit are equally strong.
Our family grows with ease & in perfect timing ... until it is complete.
Value 4: Intimacy
What this means to me… "I seek to engage with the world in a personal, deep way. Through experiences and connections that voyage beyond what the eye can see, the butterfly effect of my impact becomes unstoppable. Through intimacy, I create my legacy."
My associated intentions are:
I receive curated invitations in alignment with my values to share my skills, story & secrets. These continually grow in size & impact – but at a rate that makes me feel safe.
I find a tight knit community of true expanders – people many steps ahead of me – that are truly "my people".
We find a chosen extended “family” member, who has the desire & space to support my business / family / home as and when we have a need that exceeds our own.
We run a community venture that creates a legacy & tradition that our children are excited to continue (for all involved).
If you cared to read these, you'll see that the wording makes all the difference. There's no measurable goals. There's no fixed outcomes. There's no… pressure.
These intentions invite relaxation. So much so it does not need to be an value of mine.
Foundations
Ok, but how do we make these beautiful, values-aligned intentions happen you ask?
Simple. A healthy nervous system. The foundation.
That's it. Yes. One simple answer to fix all your energetic problems. I can tell you this, as a person with a hyper-active nervous system (again – thank you, autism).
I've burned out and/or had unhealthy behaviors in moments that I had weak nervous system foundations. I now thrive as an autistic entrepreneur, mother & woman because I prioritize my nervous system – even on days I don't feel like it.
What's helped me do this, is instead of all of those little “quick" fixes to re-regulate your nervous system (like a glass of wine, or zoning out on Insta/Netflix)… I've made foundational changes across 4 areas of my life.
After speaking with many friends – neurodivergent and neurotypical – I've realized that we all crave these things. Maybe in different ways, shapes & forms, but ultimately as humans… we are more similar than we like to admit 😛
Nervous System Trigger 1: Lack of Freedom
My foundations that let me feel free, are:
Living away from family
Having an entrepreneurial, portfolio-based career
Choosing mostly long-distance friendships
Nervous System Trigger 2: Boredom
My foundations that keep the dopamine flowing, are:
Doing at least one intellectually challenging activity each day
Taking one interest based course every 6 months
Having variety within each day (i.e. childcare + writing, or writing + consulting)
Nervous System Trigger 3: Overstimulation
My foundations that keep sensory inputs at manageable levels, are:
Having at least a half a day of childcare 5 days per week
Ensuring the people (influencers included!) in my life are positive & affirming
Having one “do nothing” morning each week
Nervous System Trigger 4: The Unknown
My foundations that help me handle unpredictability, are:
Befriending extroverts who like to make well thought through plans
Under committing professionally (& keeping my own expectations accurate)
Ruthlessly time blocking my day to allow for “focus mode”
There are some pretty savagely honest things on this list. Like preferring long distance friendships. Living away from family. Undercommitting professionally.
It was even hard for me to write these down. To truly own what I need to be & feel relaxed.
I've shared this with my family. They were definitely (at least slightly) offended… but it also explained everything to them that they always wondered about. It's healed things I didn't even know were scarred. They had previously taken things personally because they didn't know why I needed to live halfway across the world.
But now they know. I was chasing a life where I could relax. Something every human in this modern day and age understands the value of.
Treating my womanhood as the business that it is has unlocked relaxation for me… but it has done something so much more valuable. It's changed the dynamic in my family. Our house is more peaceful. It's more positive. There is more laughter. Dancing. Energy.
Treating my womanhood as a business has done the thing I longed for most. It's healed the energetic generational trauma that existed in my family's lineage. My mother. My grandmother. My great-grandmother. All forced to act in a way that society – or their husband – required. At an energetic cost so high it could never be recovered.
Treating my womanhood as a business is showing my daughter that she can have her energetic cake and eat it too. She only needs to do one thing.
She must always choose herself.