How to feel like your (best) self again 🧚

[Written February 4th, 2025]

Hi friends —

January was long, devastating and yet… insightful. Here at Womanhood, we recognize that the hard comes with an opportunity to learn, and love to share the wisdom the universe has provided.

So today, Kelly is sharing how after the long and grueling 31 days of January… she has gotten her (very best) self back.

This newsletter is for those of you who find yourself putting your needs to the side in favor of the needs of those you love most (ok, or your job 😛). Read on, because by learning how Kelly was forced to her breaking point… you might feel brave enough to avoid it.

An endless winter

Being a parent in winter sucks. You have sick, bored kids. And both under *and* overstimulated adults.

Half of this winter, I've thought to myself damn I am failing at this whole parenting thing. And then the other half… I’ve thought to myself damn I’ve come so much farther than my parents ever could have dreamed!

This was until Christmas Day… the day we all got sick. First my daughter, then me, then my partner.

I realize this isn't newsworthy… in fact it's happened every winter to every family unit.

To give you a bit of extra framing, my daughter has always been *incredibly* attached to me. As of Christmas she still cried hysterically when I left the house, even if Dad was around (who mind you, equally shares the caregiving at 50/50!). And if I were to be in the house, I could not get a minute to myself if she too was also in the house 🫠

Again, I know this is common. And even before we all got sick, it had been proving particularly difficult given I’d been in my first trimester of pregnancy. I would have preferred more time to rest / lie horizontally during the many bouts of nausea … but I didn't want to upset my little girl, so I had been soldier-ing on, putting my needs to the side, in favor of hers.

Then, on that fateful 25th of December… my daughter got sick. And as to be expected… she would only cuddle with me. I put the fear of getting sick myself aside and despite her high fever, I let her wipe her snot on me / cough in my face / sleep on me as she wished.

Another fateful moment of ignoring my needs.

As one does shortly after germ exposure, I got sick a few days later. Similarly sick as she was, fever and all, but this time unable to take much medicine given I’m pregnant. All of a sudden I couldn’t put my needs aside for my (still) sick daughter in the way she needed. I fundamentally needed to rest.

And yet, the other habits of the last 2.5 years were still present. She expected me to be available for her whenever she wanted.

The breaking point

And so, on another fateful day in the no-mans-land-week between Christmas and New Years, I hit my breaking point.

These are the types of moments we remember for years to come – whether they happen in work, family, friendships, or relationships. The moment that arrives where we put our foot down and say no more.

What this meant in my Winter-y reality, was me locking my bedroom door (so my daughter couldn’t open it) and letting her scream for me right outside it for a good half hour. She was desperate for me, but I was more desperate for a break. I detached from my body and let her tire herself out until she gave up.

This miserable moment (as again, many a mother knows) was made more miserable when I received a text message from my partner not long after the screaming stopped saying: “I feel like I'm getting sick… can I lie down soon.”

You can imagine the death stare / eye roll I gave those 12 words on my phone. The audacity of a grown man complaining about a scratchy throat to a pregnant woman with a fever and a clingy child!!

In that moment, objectively, his needs were not as high as mine… and yet for whatever reason he thought it necessary to communicate them.

This is where I had that aha moment.

Why do we (as women) not communicate our needs until we are absolutely, completely desperate?

Because by not communicating our needs… we end up becoming a vicious, burned out cranky demon-like version of our best self. (And no wonder we get such a bad rap!).

I responded to my partner saying “I'm actually sick right now, and I need more rest still. I'll let you know when I'm feeling a bit better.”

~jaw drops in Spanish~

This little story might not be that revolutionary or interesting to you, and yet it is huge to me.

Why? Because I'm great at setting boundaries in the workplace, but I'm terrible at setting them with people I love.

And yet by choosing myself (fine, in a moment that I was literally so sick that I was required to 🤣) in our family unit… I learned what it felt like to be a truly equal member of our family.

I felt… free. All of a sudden I had some sort of new permission to be *an individual* within our closely bonded unit. Something I think many of us women are sadly not accustomed to feeling very often.

Leveling up in work & life

That feeling of equality really stuck with me. It felt bold. It felt brave. It felt sustainable.

Then, a week or two later, an important moment arrived in my work life – a decision to renew a long standing, well paying consulting contract (or not).

A contract that no longer honored my need for intellectual stimulation, growth and learning. A contract where the business benefitted (much) more from me supporting it, than it supporting me.

Faced with a decision – to choose the business' needs or my own – I remembered my daughter screaming outside my door for 30 minutes. Of my partner texting me that he needed a rest.

Businesses (ours or others) will always need us to do things we don’t want to do. Our family (and children) will always need us to do things we don’t want to do.

And yet there’s a line of self-sacrifice that we do not have to cross, even if society tells us that we should.

If you read my last newsletter, you'll know that in order to maintain my energy – I must receive two things in exchange for any single thing that I provide to another.

If I make my daughter a meal, I must receive a feeling of satisfaction alongside an opportunity for connection.

If I run a workshop for a company, I must receive compensation alongside personal and or professional growth.

If I give my partner a few hours to himself, I must feel a sense of love alongside the family bond strengthening.

This is the authentic way of operating (for me).

Having had the previously (somewhat traumatic) boundary setting moment with my daughter in the 10 days prior, it all of a sudden felt easy saying no to my client. It felt easy to walk away from what I should do in the short term, and instead choose what was best for me in the long term.

And now one month later I can confidently tell you, I have not felt this light – this myself – in years.

Letting my daughter cry outside my door for 30 minutes created the space for an even bigger shift – a redefinition of what success feels like.

It's changed the way I parent.

It's changed the way I am in my relationship.

It's change the way I show up for my business.

It's changed the way I speak to myself.

For the last week, I've hardly recognized myself (in a good way!). I've become a new woman seemingly overnight… just like those people who claim to become a millionaire overnight. When actually, they pursued their goal with radical focus and determination for the 10 years prior to finding that overnight success.

I planted the seed on path to this new version of myself many years ago, and accelerated the timeline towards blooming when I chose to prioritize myself in late December. A timeline that was emboldened by me walking away from financial stability in early January, and firmly took root this past Tuesday when I let go of an old version of myself.

This is your reminder to choose you, ladies… so that you feel like your (best) self again 💫