I have a baby, and I’m not married. Somewhat by choice, somewhat by circumstance.
My partner and I have briefly discussed getting married at various points in our relationship, and yet more so we made the time and space to discuss starting a family. It was clear that having children was a bigger priority to us, simply given the topics of our conversations.
The timing of starting to try for children started to feel right when New Zealand (my partner’s home country) was still fully locked down. We had no idea when his family would be able to travel again, something we would have wanted for a wedding. This was the one fact we were sure about.
Within a cycle or two of being truly ready to have a family with each other, magically we found we were expecting. A bit more quickly than we could have expected (or hoped!). I was fully expecting it to take a year (or two??) to get pregnant - so while I was surprised to see a positive pregnancy test, I was equally excited.
After the initial shock wore off… my mind started asking the question, “should we be getting engaged?”. Or rather, it started telling me “you should get engaged”. Even though just a month or two prior it was not something I had cared much to prioritize. With this little tiny, pea sized baby inside of me… society’s expectations came rip roaring into view.
Interestingly, 95% of people with whom I shared the news that we were expecting didn’t even mention or ask about whether we’d be getting married. This was shocking to me, as I was self-conscious about my very empty ring finger.
As my belly grew, that ring finger continued to feel barren. More questions entered my logical little brain. What surname should my baby take? What legal documents should we procure?
The world seemed to constantly remind me of our marital status. The hospital system seemed to often require me to check “unmarried” on forms I was filling out. While more heavily pregnant, strangers would ask what my husband did for work. None of this was intentional, but the sting of that empty ring finger would burn each time I was asked as much.
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